I have a hard time with change. And before you say, “But everybody does!” I need you to know I HAVE A REALLY HARD TIME WITH CHANGE. I am continually in dialogue (used to be conflict, but I’m learning) between my yardstick of a left brain, my hot fudge sundae of a right brain, and my dancing body. Likely because of this, I get many opportunities to study people in the midst of transition, myself included. How is it that we are one way today, and perhaps an entirely different way tomorrow, next week, or next year?
A part of transition is leaving. You must leave a person, place, or thing in order to go somewhere else. You’ll find these blog posts absolutely pockmarked with my distaste for leaving and the necessity of it. Yet, here I am again exploring a new layer of what it means to leave. I’ve decided to end the romantic portion of a long-term relationship with a lover. I know this is not a new dilemma in the history of humankind, but I have received some very new information about myself this month during the process:
I do not really know how to leave anythinig until I am exhausted (more about this in upcoming posts–the next few weeks worth of posts are basically going to be me processing this subject).
This all landed me thinking about colonies yesterday. I know that feels like you’re missing about fifteen steps, but remember readers, my right brain=hot fudge sundae–it’s delicious, but things tend to melt all over each other in there. The writing that resulted was done in a park, on a concrete stoop, and on a dance floor. I was going to wait and give you an edited version, but I like the first draft, even the parts I don’t really like, including the fact that WordPress fucks with my line spacing any time I copy and paste a poem I’ve written. Not made for poets, are we WordPress? Join the rest of the world on that one.
This Land Is Your Land–Fuck You, No It Isn’t
How can it be as a white woman–
that I can know anything about colonies
beyond 8th grade Social Studies?
But then what do I call the unfinished stories
of my mother and father,
crawling up my neck,
braving gray matter waves?
They lay stakes,
in the place my vision
wants to tangle and creep.
Or the lovers,
who told part of the truth
so I could never release or blame them?
Put covers and locks
on the wells of my heart,
made my blood private property.
Every person I’ve left really,
threatens to punish the stride in my step–
regret is the new religion of the new state.
Forget you used to know courage, adventure,
and connection to a borderless tongue.
And I know it’s not the same, but these colonies,
and a thousand others, threaten to smother
with benevolent hate, promenading as protection.
Some days they “just” deny me a vote,
others I’m caught in the street with my hands up
begging an agent of this power,
My sovereign shares the crown with other powers
in a place that is my home.
The promises made for pleasing both
are immense and fake as set pieces
for a low budget musical.
I begin to see why I have trouble leaving before I’m exhausted.
And I know it is not the same.
So maybe the question should change.
Instead of, “Why do we continue to colonize
those who are already free?”
Why do we sometimes turn away from violence done to us–
and sometimes relish inflicting it on others?
A butterfly landed on my shoe in the park today.
It didn’t stay for very long.