All the Things I Wanted to do at the Farmer’s Market Today

Summer!  Colors!  Sun!  Everyone magically emerges from their houses at once, as if they had forgotten that the outside existed.  This makes it an excellent season for people watching.  As I sat on the curb near this week’s musical selection, taking it all in, my beautiful mind started to entertain me.  Thus, I give you everything I wanted to do at Farmer’s Market today:

  1.  Shave the impossibly tiny goatee of the solo, acoustic guitarist.  Why was it so tiny?  Is that all he could grow?  It was providing no sun protection to his very white skin…aka superfluous.
  2. Flick peanuts or glitter bouncy balls at the people who were taking their fruit and veggie gathering agenda very seriously, and I mean, VERY SERIOUSLY.  Are you seeing all this, people?  The little kids were.  I made eye contact with and smiled at about two dozen of them whose little necks were rotating like windmills to see it all.
  3. Offer to sit with the little boy whose mom was in a hurry.  He saw a piece of trash near me that looked like a frog (it really did) and he crouched over it in fascination for barely a minute before his mom pulled him away.  He started to fuss and cry, and I didn’t blame him.  I didn’t blame her either, mom is a serious job, but I would’ve sat there with him and looked at the frog trash until it lost its allure.
  4. Eat more slowly.  It struck me, as I pulled perfect strawberries from the white plastic bag, that each one of them had the entire care, art, and intention of the entire Earth in them.  WTF???  WHY DO I EAT SO FAST ALL THE TIME?
  5. Make friends with the couple wearing the matching clown pants.  Only really cool people could own such ginormous pants.
  6. Organize the people around me in the eating area to play musical chairs, even though the acoustic version of “With or Without You” is probably not a great musical chairs song.
  7. Swipe ‘no’ on every single man on Tinder.  Better yet, I’d organize a collective of women who would infiltrate and do the same.  We’d force the men offline en masse, and then maybe they’d learn to relate in real time, less posing and hunting.  I feel this would be a tremendous service to woman kind.
  8. Steal the sari of one of the Indian ladies I saw.  It was the most amazing piece of fabric ever–spring, summer, and all the colors of all the fruits and veggies, combined perfectly without being loud or confusing.  I pictured running around her like Road Runner or Flash.  I wondered how many circles I’d have to do in order to unwind it and run away.  Then I thought, not only would that be a crime, but probably a hate crime since she’s Indian.  I wonder now how many hate crimes happen because our love is immature, and all we can think to do sometimes is possess the thing we can’t understand but are drawn towards.
  9. Give the little boy in a green Portland shirt a better show.  He snuck up at one point to shoot me with his bow and arrow made by the balloon animal guy the next aisle over.  I gave him the obligatory twitching and dead person tongue hanging out, but he seemed unsatisfied.  I wish I could have given him cartoon lines of chaos coming off my body, full orchestral back drop, and various audience members with large, liquid anime eyes, jumping and cheering.
  10. High fived the mom who dressed her twins the same.  I don’t care what anyone says, that shit is adorable.

Happy Sunday everyone!  Keep all your eyes peeled…there’s delicious stuff happening out there.