This summer has been weird.
On the one hand, there’s been traveling, dinners out, dancing, a new friend, swimming, sleeping in, jumping out of trees, poking into new career possibilities, committing to an examination of my fears, and a cute boy to spin me around the dance floor and call me beautiful all night.
On the other hand, people are cancelling jobs left and right, I’m borrowing money, an abnormal pap smear sent me in for biopsies, my Dad called me aloof again, a very large check got lost in the mail, aforementioned cute boy turns out to not be a great communicator, and still, no life plan that makes sense to anyone.
I’m not used to so much good and so much challenge all colliding at once. I’d arranged my teacher life to where it was either mostly stress or mostly relaxation–aka, the school year and vacations. I’ve started to feel like someone carrying a large bucket of water, full to the brim, trying to keep it from sloshing out.
This was very much the metaphor in my head as I started warming up for dance class on Monday. Stretching, breathing, paying attention as usual, and then bam! An utterly disruptive question. You know the ones I am talking about, right? The questions that are not necessarily logical. The questions that will lead to more questions. The questions that are turning points. It was all this, and yet elegantly simple: what does the water want?
I’d like to say my response was spiritual and enlightened, but it was more along the lines of, “WTF!! I am too busy trying to hold all this to consider what ‘this’ needs. Can my stupid brain unhook from my magical intuition for just a few minutes, IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?!?!?!” But, after having what amounted to a dance tantrum, I calmed down enough to be able to consider it as more play than work.
I tried to move like water as I dropped into the rolling beats of the warm up set. I felt my own sweat, the heat of the day still trapped in the walls and floor, and puddles of light from the overhead bulbs. I experimented with sloshing up against the side of an invisible bucket. I flexed and bent to feel the liquid in my wrists, elbows, knees. The dance, as it tends to do, reached up and took me.
I was water. And then, I had my answer. A perfectly non-answer, answer.
The water wants to be water.
I was tempted to tantrum again. In my very own version of Family Feud, the left brain says, “This is not an answer to which you can create action steps. This is not an answer that you can explain to others. THIS IS NOT AN ANSWER.” On the other side of the board, right brain says, “But it is. And you feel what it means even if you can’t say it in a million words.”
A request for more patience.
Hold the shifting conditions lightly little H2O molecule, everything is temporary.
Feel the fun of making a mess.
Look at who and what is around you, one of many.
You are soft.
You give life.
So much combining.
The water wants to be water. And so, year two of Delaney Walkabout begins.